Whenever I feel down, I can always count on scientific research to cheer me up. You never know what crazy things researchers will try next. They have the minds of mischievous 3-year-olds. And they get paid to play.
For example, scientific researchers, through actual studies and experiments (what our mothers use to call “mindless nonsense”) have determined:
• Wearing wet underwear in cold weather can be quite uncomfortable. (Yes, scientists in Norway, using approved scientific methods and volunteers at Long Johns, proved this in 1994. Meanwhile, 8-year-old boys everywhere in the world where it snows are shouting “Duh!”
• The three most painful places to be stung by a bee are the nostrils, the upper lip and, uh… well, it was covered in long wet needles in the Norwegian experiment. We know this because an entomology professor let a bee sting him from head to toe for 38 days to find out where it hurt the most, according to a 2014 study.
I’m up in the air about this latest scientific endeavor. Researchers at the University of Cambridge in England have found that people quickly figure out how to use their third thumb in everyday life.
Yes, they attach a prosthetic thumb to a person, and in no time, the three-fingered wonder is using his robotic appendage to pick up, hold, and move objects.
When my father was offered something he thought was odd, he would say, “I need (fill in the blank) like I need another hole in my head.”
The Cambridge crew isn’t trying to add holes to people’s heads — yet — but they can envision a day when we can all attach extra robotic body parts or slip into an exoskeleton to augment our meager human abilities.
Having trouble winning a two-legged race? Let’s try three.
Your spouse says you never listen? Add a third ear that is specifically tuned to your partner’s frequency.
Remember the band Third Eye Blind? Become a real fan – install a blind third eye. (Of course, you’ll need another hole in your head for that.)
There are several other options for additional body parts that we will not discuss in a family paper. You can think them if you want. Better not.
In 1965, Mom bought us kids a new book that quickly became our favorite. Titled “I Wish I Had Duck Feet” and written by a guy named Theo. LeSieg (Theodor Geisel’s other pen name is Dr. Seuss.), was about a boy who imagines how useful it would be to have various animal appendages.
It would be very nice to have duck feet (no shoes needed), deer antlers (to wear 10 hats while Big Bill Brown can only wear one), whalebone (to keep yourself and the whole school cool) or a long and long. the tail (the better to pedal down the street pulling the girls behind him on his bike) among other possibilities.
But our young hero dismissed any idea upon further consideration. Mommy wouldn’t let him in the house with duck feet or a whale’s mouth, he couldn’t get on the school bus with the horns, and Big Bill Brown would tie him to a tree with that long, long tail.
Have Cambridge scholars studied this book? Don’t they realize the havoc they could create? Why, a third thumb can trigger even more messages! Do we really need teenagers to text even faster than they do now?
On the other hand (or third hand), an extra arm and eye can allow a person to drive safely and text at the same time. But can we risk this? What if Big Bill Brown says, “Pull my finger,” and you realize he’s got seven of them on his third hand?
But this is science, always good for a laugh. Or a horror.
Maybe if Burt had two brains, he would start to make sense. Write it to burton.w.cole@gmail.com or the Burton W. Cole Facebook page.